I have been doing a lot of reading, talking and reflecting about relationships and finding love over the last few weeks, and I wanted to share a few things that came up for me which have been very helpful in framing my thoughts about attracting a partner. It can be a difficult and lonely time as a singleton; but, on the other hand, it is also a magnificent opportunity for growth, self-love and adventure.
As with anything, the best place to start is with yourself and I think there are some important questions to ask yourself first.
Who do I want to be for me? And am I taking steps towards being that person every single day? Who do I want to be in order to fall in love with myself first?
The most important relationship you’ll ever be in is with yourself. It is the longest, deepest and most open relationship you can ever have. Most of us deny or ignore huge parts of ourselves in order to be someone we feel we ought to be (whether to attract a partner, appease a social group, or out of a sense of duty), but can you ever really have a romantic relationship based on truth and alignment if you aren’t truly aligned with yourself first?
A common piece of advice is to write a list of all the things you desire in a partner. What things on this list do you want or need to cultivate in yourself? For example, I personally desire a partner that is heart-centred, authentic, and emotionally and physically open and expressive. These things are important to me, so I sat and thought about how I embody them. The truth is that for a long time I was head-centred and fearful, and so my interactions weren’t coming from my heart, I wasn’t being fully authentic or truthful about who I am, and I certainly wasn’t emotionally open or physically expressive. I was quite closed off. And now I see that an emotionally open and physically expressive man was never going to be attracted to me or my energy because I was closed of. Similarly, if you desire an authentic partner, ask yourself whether you are completely authentic. An authentic person is not going to be attracted to an inauthentic one. Whatever character trait it is that you desire, look to yourself to see how you embody it.
When it comes to dating and relationships (and also your friendships), are you bringing your whole self to the table? This requires full authenticity and vulnerability, and so it is a scary ass notion; but if you’re not showing up as YOU, what do you truly expect to get out of it?
And thinking about what you’re bringing to the table, it is also very important to consider what you want to give in a relationship and not just what nourishment, pleasure and happiness you can get out of it. We’ve all been there (I know I have!) with the White Knight Syndrome, and the ‘some day my prince will come’ complex. There is nothing wrong with desiring a partner who is willing to be all-in for you, but you have to be willing to give that same level of love, devotion and consideration back. A relationship is a two-way flow of energy, and you should give whole-heartedly without expectation or condition. As they say, the getting is in the giving!
But, on that note: be discerning. Only give your time and energy to someone who fully values and cherishes you. Know your boundaries, and know your worth. You ARE worthy of complete love and respect.
Finally, be proud of who you are! People are attracted to happiness, to enthusiasm, to truth and to charisma. Don’t get swept up in self-pity or focus on what you feel is lacking in your life. When you are full of love and light and happiness, you will be the most radiant, beautiful and attractive version of yourself.
Frida Kahlo said: “Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic.”, and I agree. Do not settle for anything less. But, more than that, I say to you: first, look at YOURSELF like you are magic. Because you are.